This and That...

If one's been silent for a long time, the silence is expected to be followed by something profound. Lol, I've had nothing but the mundane on my mind for a while now. I tried really hard to stare into my thoughts and draw out profundity, like one tries to stare and squeeze out tears. Nice try. I got nothing but a headache. So here I am embracing asininity....and baring it all after a heavily pregnant pause.

An observation: I've used a couple of words up there I didnt know I still knew. :P Last I heard myself using those words was exactly a year ago, while preparing for the big Kahuna of exams, the GRE.

An Experience: Since I've failed to make new friends in recent years, I believed I had lost my ability to bond with and form friendships with women. Though I won't go so far as saying I've made a lasting friendship, I'll put on-hold my belief that I've lost the ability to fraternize. Though the greater effort has to come from the other individual, I'm not a lost cause after all. I had a long intelligent conversation with a stranger, a girl, without awkardness after a very long time. I feel rejuvinated after the experience. Here's to meeting new people and getting to know them better!

There! Despite the drought in things to write, I've cleaned the gutter and washed off any thought-debris. Let there be a smooth flow of thoughts, feelings and ideas, should they rain in on me. :-)

A sincere Wish: Well to all who read, I hope you find friends you can confide in. If not, I hope you get into situations where you make polite conversations with strangers who dont mind taking the time to know you, listen to what you have to say and respond intelligently.

It's Sneha's birthday soon..

Growing up, birthdays meant new clothes, modest birthday parties, lots of attention and of course, presents. Exams usually ended on the 12 of April (my birthday), unless it was a Sunday or if someone important died, it would then end on the 13th. My birthdays felt very ominous because having just written the last exam for that grade, I was older chronologically and academically.

There were phone calls and parcels from grandparents and relatives, but I appreciate them more now than I did as a child. I was well liked in school, so a lot of schoolmates from different sections would call, make greeting cards, give flowers etc

I had strange rituals I followed before my birthday. I would love to see what movies played on the 12th; for some twisted reason, I would think a great movie on that day meant a grand gift from the universe that contrived the screening especially for me. I would read the astrological forecast for that year and feel satisfied that the year ahead would be good (Are there ever forebodings of doom?). Well before my birthday, I would tell my friends that 12th was the happiest day for everybody in school because it meant the start of holidays. (A classmate once told me she was saddest on the 12 because it meant no more preparation for exams…what a weirdo!)

Growing up, I incorporated more meaningful rituals on my birthday. Studying psychology taught me ways of making my birthday special. Every birthday I would wake up and write down all the special things I wanted out of life on small slips of paper. I would cut 4 triangles and a square out of cardboard and tape it together to form a pyramid. I would place the slips of paper into this pyramid and wish with all my heart that they come true. To make it easier on myself I would imagine that I was someone else. I would wish that this person, Sneha, had the best in life and the universe’s working towards making her dreams come true. It was hard for me to wish for something because it made me feel selfish. Now I am better at it, though I still find it helpful to step outside myself and wish for something for myself (me the weirdo?).

When A and P wandered into my life, I would wait for them to come and give me hugs and kisses with the well thought out presents. P takes great pains to wrap every gift (yes people, she gifts more than one) and gives it with such excitement that you just are happy for her excitement and cheer. A's birthday is a day before...13 hours before to be precise. I would have given her many kisses and gifts the day before and she would give me her all encompassing hug that would give you a neck-ache but you don’t mind it one bit. And she would say "Nair! I love you man! Happy Birthday" and give loud kisses that sound like farts on the cheek and the God forsaken ones in the ear! How grateful I am that I have you guys in my life! Boy are you guys the best gift. I wish we still stayed in the same city.

And then there is V my Maha Kutami. :) (Grand Alliance as he explained.) He made my birthdays an elegant affair. With expensive European chocolates shipped especially for me, cake from the best place in Hyderabad (after a lot of research) and books researched and ordered from the corners of cyberspace. He thinks I do not appreciate all he does for me, but how can one really show it? Perhaps that is one task I have not done well; to make Kutami realize how special and imperative he is to my happiness.

I’ll be 25 in a while and I don't feel a day older than my first memories of self. I was a child but there was a self awareness I have had since I can remember. I feel I have added facets to me, but I am still the same. My body has aged. And I know in 25 more years, I would still feel the same. I know I have met the best people in these years, had memorable experiences, important lessons learnt. I can already feel in my fingers that the next 25 will be even better.

"Grati-dude" a nice friend to have :-)

I'm on a holiday. I'm having a very relaxed time, especially not having heard a vehicle honk in 5 days! I love the sound of "no honk." I have to return to the land of impatient honking in 4 days but for now, I have stashed that away to be experienced in the busy future awaiting me.

I am on a holiday, and besides the absolute loveliness of free time, I feel a deep deep sense of gratitude. For everything and everyone in my life. Besides love, I believe gratitude is the most exquisite feeling to course through one's body.

Thinking about gratitude, I am drawn back to the memory of the Oscars. Notice how, when overcome with emotions, most awardees say "thankyou." Nobody feels that the victory is theirs alone. Along the path to success, everyone feels there was a soul that helped that itty bitty little to nudge them to achieving their dreams.

I'm sure each one of us has an Oscar moment. The moment when we feel we have achieved something, and along with utter glee, we experience a deep sense of gratitude. Gratitude for everyone who has touched our lives and helped us reach that time and moment when we have achieved one of our dreams. Along with happiness there is always gratitude. "Thank you!" Usually doesn't quite cover the exquisite feeling we have for everyone.

I feel a deep sense of gratitude today for experiencing, understanding and appreciating a lavish life, even if it is a borrowed one. :-)

I'm grateful for having love and laughter in my life. I have a very loving and witty husband who never stops amusing me. Everything about him seems so new to me that I enjoy his presence everyday.

I'm grateful for my mum, dad and brother; they have taught me my early lessons in life. I'm grateful for the huge family I'm married into. They have engulfed me with love and drew me into their tight clan, despite being an outsider in every sense of the word.

I'm grateful for my physical abilities. I love to dance, I love to walk, I love to talk and I love to smile. Each of these functions wouldn't be possible without a willing body.

I'm grateful for my ability to write. Sometimes this has kept me ahead of my game.

I'm grateful for the friends I have. They love me sometimes inspite of myself, for my passive aggressive silences, my absence from their lives for months together, but they always welcome me back into their lives with love.

I am grateful for the job I have and the brilliant minds that I work with. What a joy it is to walk into office and know for sure that your day will be fruitful and that someone really appreiciates the work you are doing.

I'm grateful for the love for reading. I've discovered so many worlds, some out in the galaxies far far away, and some within myself.

I'm grateful for having chosen psychology. It is a subject that has helped me secure a living and continues to nourish my life with understanding of myself.

I'm grateful for having spirituality in my life. This has kept me afloat in times when I was certain my boat's sinking! :-)

I'm grateful for the desire to enrich my life.

More More More!

• 

During the final days of college our much loved psychology professor got our class together to meditate, as a farewell gift to the graduating class. We were guided to close our eyes and imagine that each one of us was walking on a busy road noticing the happenings. We were asked to notice the details. After a while, we notice a quiet alley. We are drawn to walk into this alley. We notice a very small entrance with a white light alluring us to enter. Here, we notice a wizard with a long white beard. He asks “what is the one thing you need in your life to come true.” In granting us this gift, we were to give him a gift as well. We were each asked to have this exchange in our minds. After a while, we were slowly guided out of this state back into reality.

Each of us was asked of our wish and the gift we gave the old wizard. Some asked for money, some fancy SUVs, some for happiness, some true love, some for friendship and some for a trip around the world. And in return the responses were that they would give him money; some said they would love to give him whatever he desires. Some couldn’t think of anything they had of value to gift the wizard. Some funny ones also replied that they would gift him youth. I honestly do not remember my exchange, but there was one response from which I learned a lot. My friend A replied “I would like the Wizard to give me happiness and I would wish him to have the same in his life.” What a simple yet profound wish it was; that we return in kind whatever we receive.

We have, as a species, become takers. We are always asking for more. Perhaps the culture to exchange gifts has emerged as well, but we do not have time, empathy, love and consideration, for our dear ones any more. Earlier we reveled in the company of friends and family creating good times. Now we make do with expensive gifts; it has become such a part of our lives that this exchange is expected.

Most books published these days, speak of techniques to get more of everything. How can we activate the forces of the universe to give us all we want? Of course some mention the “attitude of gratitude” but it isn’t emphasized as much as the attitude of desiring more and more. “You do not have what you want? That is because you do not desire more!” More love, more riches, more happiness, more more more.

Even in my life I have begun to notice things I buy. I’ve bought so many books, clothes, cosmetics, accessories on impulse, never stopped to evaluate whether I truly need the article at all. I’ve eaten food from restaurants 75% of the times last year. Excesses are everywhere. All displayed in the way I spend money.

There are of course many people in the world who insist on consuming only as much as their capacity to produce. They practice economy in the amount of energy they expend, the resources they consume and evaluate it against their creative output. Isn’t that a beautiful thought? Give back whatever is received, use only as much as one’s ability to produce.

I’ve been reading something called “ceiling on desires.” This is a guide to train one’s mind to analyze everything that comes into one’s life and evaluate its need and its value in one’s life. Be it the money we spend, time or energy. I believe we should start saving our resources. Not with the intention of saving for tough times but to use only as much as we need. Whatever we save, we have to learn to give it back to the universe.

I am guilty too of wanting more. I have to remedy this and balance the equation.

Loose Attention

At a signal....... Looking at the watch, 5 minutes to 10 am. Looking outside, too much traffic.......honking everywhere piercing your eardrums!... Would be late to work. Couldn't complete morning chores. It's ok. Will complete it in the evening. Phone rings........distrupts your thoughts............pick up........connection is bad.......call from home.....left important file at home! More Honking! Damn it! will have to postpone client call.......a street urchin approaches.......tugs at your shirt....pokes your arm for your attention, you trying desperately to get in touch with someone at home!.honking honking, honking,..connection bad..street urchin continues relentless begging and tapping you. They want a rupee or more from you..........2 minutes from work! Damn it! why is the the traffic not moving! phone rings.......colleague calling to confirm whether you are carrying the file!.........a hawker appears selling something you don't want or need! The heat is getting to you....A bus moves next to your vehicle... exhaust fumes blowing right into your face.... You are about to explode!

India, is one ticking time bomb......especially on the roads. It is an ordeal every time you leave your home, to work, to meet a friend, to keep an appointment or to chill out(one really can't if you go to see). We are constantly bombarded with stimuli.

We are a country that is charging towards that dream of being a force to reckon with. We would like to contend and ultimately overtake the big boys. For which the country would have to pool in all its collective resources to channel towards this goal. But how is this possible when our physical resources are being shredded with these irritants?

My colleague came up with a valid observation. Look at any of the western countries; most of the environmental irritants are at a minimal, hence they can devote their mental and physical resources efficiently to productive pursuits. Indians on the other hand battle auditory, visual, olfactory and tactile overload to the verge of a breakdown.

How much more peaceful it would be if there was....

- No peeing on the sidewalks

- No spitting

- No honking

- Nobody breaking signals

- No swearing

- No begging(especially the ones who enjoy tapping you on your knees and shoulders till the signal turns green!)

- More respect and courtesy to everybody

My! Does working towards this mean changing India's "Identity?"

Extremely Offended

I was reading the Hindu yesterday, and came across an article regarding the ban of Hindu extremist groups. It was a plea by the minority groups to ban one particularly violent ‘Hindu’ extremist group, one that was responsible for the rape of a nun in Orissa. They are also responsible for vandalizing and roughing clergy of the Christian faith.

I was deeply offended that this plea came from a ‘minority’ group. I take offense that this plea for a ban of ‘Hindu’ extremism is not coming from all Hindus! I absolutely do not accept that these ‘Hindu’ extremists represent a belief that I was born into, the principles of which I hold close to my heart and am proud of. I’m deeply offended because the words, Hinduism and extremism are mutually exclusive. It is NOT theirs to revise.

Hindus are people living by the river ‘Indus’ irrespective of their creed. I am offended that they are making it a religion, while it is but a way of life. I take deep offense that they are killing fellow beings in the name of a way of life that is not theirs alone and is not their responsibility to ‘rescue’. I take offense that they think violence will uphold this belief. I take offense at their redefining the word ‘Hindu.’

I am saddened and ashamed that a belief system, that has no history of violence, that has survived several centuries without a single instance of violence in the name of ‘religion’, would now be remembered for killing the holy men of another faith, for breaking down holy places of another faith. It is forever stained with the ill-will and heart burn of human beings hurt in its name. This way of life that has existed, grown and flourished alongside other great religions for more centuries than these extremists can count on their blood stained hands, is now suddenly too big for other faiths to thrive alongside.

I am saddened that we have let ourselves down by letting our country down. We are a democratic, secular, socialist, republic. We are India first, our creed later. Yet we have let ourselves down by being party to vandals who misrepresent Hindustan; a land of people by the river Ganges (Indus), and making it a country divided by religion.

Never in the history of India has it been a land of ‘Hindus,’ it is a land that is collectively of Sikhs, Muslims, Hindus, Jains, Christians, Buddhists Parsis, Jews….. It is our land, and I take offense at any individual making it their own, be it any Hindu.

I stand against these people, who, in the guise of protecting the rights of ‘Hindus,’ are raping it of its essence. An act of aggression against any Indian, I take as a personal affront. I stand against them in peaceful defiance. I urge you to take offense too. Yes, I am a Hindu, an individual who lives in a land that is nurtured by the river Ganges.

Here is an excerpt from the Autobiography of a German Pastor,

‘In Germany they came first for the communists and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a communist.
Then they came for the Jews, and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Jew.
Then they came for the Trade unionists, and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Trade unionist.
Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn’t speak up because I was a protestant.

Then they came for me, and by that time there was no one left to speak up.’

picture perfect

I didn’t take any pictures. I feel sad about it now, but at the time, it was too damn painful to carry a camera when one could have one’s hands free and enjoy the moment, un-synthesized. I am referring to my trip to a nook in the valley of the western ghats, a lesser known(this is really a blessing if you are living in India!) adventure sports cum nature resort, 3 hours from Pune(or Mumbai).

This trip I refer to is an annual outing that Kern takes all its employees to. This year, it was decided that adventure sports is the thing to do and hence, Kolad, was the place to go.

It’s been 3 weeks since the trip and events of the trip have turned to experiences (if you know what I mean). I can now reflect rather than recount. I have learned so many valuable lessons on that trip, some I knew in my head but have now been absorbed into my heart.

There were many revelations to me in those 3 days......

1) The Western Ghats are breathtakingly beautiful during the monsoons. I do not particularly enjoy traveling by road on the ghats. This might have something to do with my motion sickness and the eventuality of having to stick my head and empty my innards into a bag. Some how looking out of the bus during the rains was so worth it. I have the image right in front of my eyes. We are taking this turn on the ghat road and in front of us is a lake, still as a picture, pitter patter rain on the wind shield, a dead tree somewhere on the sides of this lake, green mountains reflected in the water, white birds in the sky, yellow flowers along the side of the road and low lying clouds that make it all look oh so, beautiful. India is beautiful.

2) There are many things I am good at and many things that I suck at. It is an on going life lesson I must learn; to cut my losses and cherish what I can do and accept with humility all that I can’t. There were many activities that were conducted during the stay. One was canoeing. While I would love to think I am a “sporty kinda gal,” my body doesn’t support what my heart desires. I sucked at this, wouldn’t succeed if my life depended on it. If you have met me, you would have noticed my thin, muscle-less hands. Therefore, all the rowing was to be done by co-rower and very encouraging life guard. I sat there in submission and slightly saddened at this revelation. I suck at adventure sports-ing.


3)Sometimes you survive by standing still! We were playing this very interesting game regarding the food chain. The entire group was divided into 4 teams; each team represents a creature, all at different levels in this hierarchy. The eagle on the top, the snakes at the next, the frogs at the next and the grass-hoppers at the bottom. The eagles were to hunt the snakes, the snakes the frogs and the frogs the grasshoppers. I was in a team of 5 grass hoppers. We were to be hunted and while all the other grass-hoppers were running for their lives, I just sat in one corner and was ignored. I didn’t do this deliberately of course, it wasn’t a strategy to survive. After a couple of rounds of the game, I was just tired of having to save myself (I was fed-up of being hunted and sorta gave up). But I realized that this is a great way to win! Sometimes I get so caught up in being animated about everything, having an opinion about everything that I forget to reflect, to lay still. How many great lessons have I missed because I have not taken a moment to stand and stare? (as Wordsworth has so eloquently put it).

4)It feels amazing to float like a log in a river. Of course I had a life jacket on, and didn’t float too far away from the raft, but for 10 minutes of having the water block out all sound and looking at the mountains on the side was something!


5)I can laugh at myself! Well, while river crossing, my shorts would most definitely have flown away with the fierce gushing river had I not held onto it with my dear life! All this, in front of 2 directors of the company and my many colleagues pointing and laughing! And me yelling, “My shorts! They are too loose!” One hand holding on to dignity, the other to dear life! I had to choose, hold on to my shorts or hold onto the ropes! Luckily the trusted life guard, held onto me while I held onto my shorts and I completed the task. I’m proud of that!

There were so many funny, touching, sad, angry, hurt and happy moments I spent at Kolad, none of which I can possibly do justice to by writing. Whatever took place at the banks of this river, whatever the event, it had lessons to teach. I had so much fun at Kolad, despite the mosquitoes, the wet clothes, the incessant rains and the frogs in the potty. Come to think of it, am fine without the pictures; I have it all by heart.